1 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,305 Yo, whassup? 2 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,278 Oh, stop it. 3 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,313 Hey, give me back my skully. 4 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,614 This is not a skully. 5 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:14,682 It's a ski cap 6 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:16,550 your grandmother gave you for Christmas. 7 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,952 Charlie, come on. He's just trying to find his look. 8 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,588 Word. 9 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:23,023 Word? 10 00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:26,427 There's a reindeer on it. 11 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:27,428 Don't listen to him, Jake. 12 00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:29,863 I think it looks very dope on you. 13 00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:32,566 Oh, man! 14 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,204 Hey, did you see 15 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,506 that your former girlfriend's dance troupe is in town? 16 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:39,440 Mia's here? 17 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,074 Let me see that. 18 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,709 Come on. Come on. Come on. 19 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,044 Whoa, is somebody still carrying a torch? 20 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:45,446 Torch? Don't be ridiculous. 21 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,947 I mean, I'm glad to see 22 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,549 she's following her dream, 23 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:49,750 but I've moved on. 24 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:52,586 You know, I think she called the other day. 25 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,155 What?! When?! 26 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,623 What'd she want?! What'd she say?! 27 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:56,890 Um... 28 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,392 Come on, kid, spill it! 29 00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:01,229 Nope, no unresolved feelings there. 30 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,964 She wanted to talk to you, but you weren't home. 31 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,767 I know that, you chowderhead. 32 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,769 What else did she say? 33 00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,304 Uh, she said, "What's new?" 34 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,772 I said, "Nothing much." 35 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:12,740 She said, "How's school?" 36 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:13,841 I said, "It sucks." 37 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,709 Then she said, "That's too bad." 38 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,811 I said, "Yeah." 39 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,280 I'm going to kill him, Alan. 40 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:22,015 I swear to God I'm going to kill him. 41 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,285 Oh, yeah, she wants us to come see her dance next weekend. 42 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:28,021 It says she's performing this weekend. 43 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,591 Oh, I guess she called last weekend. 44 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:33,327 You're telling me this now?! Charlie, Charlie, calm down. 45 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,363 How many things does the kid have to handle? 46 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:39,099 Eat, poop, tell me who called. 47 00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:41,569 She said some guy named Will has tickets. 48 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,207 Who's Will? 49 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,209 I don't know. She said he'd call. 50 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,544 Will's going to call? 51 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,046 You mean the tickets are at "Will Call"? 52 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,448 I don't know. Maybe. 53 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,152 Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats. 54 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,087 Do me a favor. 55 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,389 From now on, 56 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,824 when somebody calls, write it down. 57 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:04,625 I did. 58 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:05,626 Where? 59 00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:06,460 On my homework. 60 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:07,961 Okay. Where's your homework? 61 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:08,962 Um... Oh, yeah. 62 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:11,965 My teacher called. She wants to meet with you. 63 00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:13,401 When? 64 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,870 I guess it was last week. 65 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,341 Peace out. 66 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:26,214 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 67 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,882 * Ooh... * Men. 68 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,454 Mia left us four seats for Friday night. 69 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,088 House seats, center orchestra. 70 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,190 Huh. 71 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,425 What do you think? 72 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,959 You, me, Jake, Kandi, go out to dinner 73 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:39,993 make an evening of it. 74 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,595 Sounds like fun. 75 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,163 Maybe afterwards you could tie me to an anthill 76 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:45,366 and smear honey on my genitals. 77 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,801 So you don't want to go? 78 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:51,772 Geez, now I see where the kid gets his brains. 79 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,207 No, I don't want to go. 80 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,508 Why would I want to go? 81 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,610 Um, because you were in love with the woman 82 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,279 and obviously still have feelings for her 83 00:02:58,346 --> 00:02:59,980 and want to see her again. 84 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,148 Oh, that's crazy. 85 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,616 God, you are so naive. 86 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,417 How am I naive? 87 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,419 Oh, oh! I know this one. 88 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,590 Alan, 89 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:12,626 when an ex-girlfriend calls, no good can come from it. 90 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,696 Unless, you know, it's 2:00 a.m., she's blind drunk 91 00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:19,199 and wants to get even with her new cheating boyfriend. 92 00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:21,235 She just wanted to invite us to the ballet. 93 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,436 Yeah, right. 94 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,505 And girls are completely unaware 95 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,875 that you can see their nipples through their shirts. 96 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,677 What does that have...? 97 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,712 Really? They know? 98 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,817 There's only a few reasons why an ex calls. 99 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,986 One: they're doing great and want to rub your nose in it, 100 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,889 or two: they're doing lousy and need to borrow money. 101 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,458 Or three: they've got money from knocking over a Laundromat 102 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:47,628 and want to hide under your trailer until the heat's off. 103 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,799 It happens. 104 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,236 Okay, okay. How about four: 105 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,706 she misses you and wants to try again? 106 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,374 What is it she's going to try? 107 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,311 To change me into something I'm not 108 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,880 to get me to stop drinking, smoking, gambling? 109 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:10,017 To rescue me from the barren, loveless abyss 110 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,020 my life has become? 111 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,491 What? 112 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,494 You know what I think? 113 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:23,096 I think you were never happier than when you were with Mia. 114 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,398 You still have feelings for her 115 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,933 and you're just afraid to admit it. 116 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:30,871 You are so wrong. You couldn't be more wrong! 117 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,005 Believe that guy? 118 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,674 You want the truth? 119 00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,976 No, probably not. 120 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,478 Good call. 121 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:41,281 Oh, by the way, here's the 20 bucks I owe ya. 122 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,691 * Men... 123 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:53,126 ALAN: I am telling you it is not appropriate 124 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:56,564 to wear to the ballet. 125 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,933 Why you trippin' on me? 126 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,034 Hey, Alan. 127 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,236 ( gruffly ): Matey. 128 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,838 I'm not a pirate. 129 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,140 You're not a gangsta either. 130 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,409 You're a dorky white kid 131 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:11,345 with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. 132 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,682 Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa. 133 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,352 You know kids better than me. 134 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:21,088 How, how long does this pimp stage last? 135 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,656 Just ignore him. 136 00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,692 You sure you won't change your mind and come with us? 137 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:25,893 Positive. 138 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,428 Should I at least say hi to Mia for you? 139 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,762 Say whatever you want. 140 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,998 I'm meeting somebody at Pavlov's. 141 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:31,865 Who? 142 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:32,500 How would I know? 143 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,367 I haven't met her yet. 144 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,902 ( knocking ) 145 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:40,841 Hi, do I look okay? 146 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,378 Perfect. 147 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,814 Hey, no fair! 148 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,217 You grow a rack like that, 149 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,821 you can wear anything you want on your head. 150 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,358 You have a house on the beach? 151 00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:01,194 I'd love to see it. 152 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,362 I could take you there. 153 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,498 Great. 154 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,933 Then I could bring you out on my deck, 155 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:09,403 we could watch the surf in the moonlight, 156 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,205 then I could take you in my arms, kiss you. 157 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,340 Not a big kiss. 158 00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,508 Just a little something that gives you a taste 159 00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,543 of what's to come. 160 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:19,112 Well, let's go. 161 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:22,516 Then I would take your hand and lead you up to my bedroom 162 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:23,984 where I would slowly undress you, 163 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,487 then lay you down on the crisp cool sheets 164 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,522 and proceed to make wild, passionate love to you 165 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,691 until we're both totally spent. 166 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,960 Okay. 167 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,564 Then in the morning, I'll bring you a cup of coffee 168 00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,065 and your car keys. 169 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,633 Wow! 170 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:42,636 Wait, my car keys? 171 00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:46,106 I'll promise to call you, but I never will. 172 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:47,841 Then when you try to call me, 173 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,977 you'll find that the phone number I gave you 174 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:53,346 belongs to a dry cleaner in Koreatown. 175 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,617 What? 176 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:57,851 When all is said and done, 177 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,420 you know what we'll both have? Nothing. 178 00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:03,757 Not even a good memory. 179 00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:05,225 So what do you say we do us both a favor 180 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,796 and not go through with this whole pathetic charade? 181 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,732 Okay. 182 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:15,969 Geez, I was just trying to get laid. 183 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:22,442 ( orchestral music playing ) 184 00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:26,480 So, Jake, the swan is dying... 185 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,184 Can you believe...? 186 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,058 Pardon me. Excuse me. 187 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,260 Hey, what did I miss? 188 00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:42,129 I thought you weren't coming. 189 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,964 I'm not here for Mia. 190 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,699 I'm here to support the arts. 191 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:51,605 Yikes. Look at the package on that pretty dude. 192 00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,080 Hey, good job. 193 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,482 Eat something. 194 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,153 Charlie! 195 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,922 Hey, you were terrific. 196 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,357 Thank you. 197 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:11,925 I am so glad you came. 198 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,095 Are you kidding me? I've been looking forward to this all week. 199 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,463 Dressed like that? 200 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:21,201 Well, how else would you recognize me? 201 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,903 These are for you. 202 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,104 Thank you. 203 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,238 They're... beautiful. 204 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,473 No big deal. 205 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,241 They had 'em at the liquor store. 206 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,509 It was either this 207 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:30,978 or a stack of Lotto scratchers. 208 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:34,247 I think you made the wise choice. 209 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,183 We'll never know, will we? 210 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,085 By the way, Alan would have come back, too, 211 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,152 but he had to take the kids home. 212 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,020 The kids? 213 00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:42,155 He's kind of adopted a young girl. 214 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,056 Really? 215 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,193 Well, not so much adopted as banging. 216 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:48,328 So you're looking good. 217 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,330 You, too. How you been? 218 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,264 Great, just great. 219 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,300 Really great. 220 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,534 Good. 221 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,704 No, no. No, great. 222 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,272 And you. How have you been? 223 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:00,107 Wonderful. 224 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,074 All right, then. 225 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,410 I'm great and you're wonderful. 226 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,345 What the hell are we doing here? 227 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:08,782 Charlie, there was something I wanted to talk to you about. 228 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:11,518 Hey, Mia, who's your cute friend? 229 00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:12,519 This is Charlie. 230 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,121 Charlie, Theresa. 231 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:14,988 Hey. 232 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,891 So what do you want to talk about? 233 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,993 This really isn't the right place. 234 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:23,363 Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while? 235 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:26,366 Sure, I'll be up because you know, I'm a night person. 236 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,434 I remember. 237 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,103 Of course, if you come too late I could be drunk. 238 00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,238 I remember. 239 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,573 Or there could be other women there. I remember. 240 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,542 See you later. 241 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,845 Whatever. 242 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,050 Hey, can you unhook me? 243 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,220 * Men... 244 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:57,931 ( romantic music plays ) 245 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,371 What's going on? 246 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,473 Nothing. 247 00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:10,177 Mia's coming over so I thought I'd... Nothing. 248 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,611 I see. 249 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,213 What do you mean, you see? 250 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,582 You're right. 251 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:16,884 It's too much. 252 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,726 How's that? 253 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:26,559 Well, I... 254 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,861 You're right. 255 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,697 She'll smell that there were candles burning, 256 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,832 so I have to light at least one. 257 00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:33,100 Now what about the music? 258 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,434 What about it? 259 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:37,070 You're right. It sounds like I'm trying too hard. 260 00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:41,942 ( "Camptown Races"playing ) 261 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,079 Better? 262 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,114 Well... 263 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,549 You're right. 264 00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:50,684 No music. 265 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,518 Charlie? 266 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:52,485 Yeah? 267 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,254 I'm just glad you're over her. 268 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,556 ( doorbell rings ) 269 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:57,624 Get the door. 270 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,827 Get the door! Get the door! 271 00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,233 Hi, Alan. 272 00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,301 Hey, Mia. You were great tonight. 273 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:09,970 Thanks. Did Jake like it? 274 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,205 He was absolutely knocked out. 275 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,676 Charlie, Mia's here. 276 00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:21,081 Oh, really? Well, ask her in. 277 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,382 All right. 278 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,385 Won't you come in? 279 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:29,089 Hi, Mia. I almost forgot you were coming. 280 00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,257 Get out. 281 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:33,026 Nice to see you again. 282 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,327 Nice to see you, too. 283 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,428 Sit down. 284 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,430 Make yourself at home. 285 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,399 Place looks the same. 286 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:40,734 Well, you know me. 287 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,035 If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 288 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:45,405 If it is broke, who gives a rat's ass? 289 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,440 Can I get you a drink? 290 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,142 No. I'm good. 291 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,478 So am I. In fact, I'm great. 292 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,280 Yeah. You mentioned that. 293 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,581 Repeatedly. 294 00:11:54,647 --> 00:12:00,854 So, what did you want to talk about? 295 00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:05,225 Oh, boy, this is a hard thing to ask. 296 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,895 You need some money. 297 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,463 What? 298 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,464 No. 299 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:12,933 So, what? 300 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,467 You want to get back together again? 301 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:17,737 Oh, God, no. 302 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,379 All right, then. 303 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,049 How about a quickie for old times' sake? 304 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,318 Please. 305 00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:35,522 Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. 306 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,859 You're smart, you're handsome, you're talented... 307 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,561 All good arguments for the quickie. 308 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,530 Will you let me finish? 309 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,999 Didn't I always? 310 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,602 Okay. Sorry. 311 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:51,704 I've been thinking a lot lately 312 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,673 about what I want out of life. 313 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,676 I love dancing, but let's face it, 314 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,411 I'm not getting any younger. 315 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:01,614 So the time has come for me to make some tough choices. 316 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,550 I understand completely. 317 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,451 You do? 318 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:05,485 Nah. I'm just trying 319 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:06,786 to be supportive. 320 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:11,358 Charlie, I came here because... 321 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,461 Well... 322 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,498 I want your sperm. 323 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,876 All right. Where do you want it? 324 00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,784 Alan! Alan! Wake up! Wake up! 325 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:38,785 What? 326 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,754 Mia wants sperm. 327 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,791 Well, don't look at me. 328 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,160 No. She wants my sperm. 329 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:50,230 She wants me to make a deposit so she can have a baby. 330 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:54,201 You're kidding. Apparently, that's another one of its uses. 331 00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:58,805 What the hell is that? 332 00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,007 I'm not sure. 333 00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:03,076 Near as I can tell, she's chasing a rabbit. 334 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,745 So why did Mia come to you? 335 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:09,249 Well, it turns out her biological clock is ticking. 336 00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,351 Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, 337 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:14,021 so, you know, slim pickin's there. 338 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,722 And she doesn't want to wait 339 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,124 for Mr. Right to come along. 340 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,658 Which pretty much leaves you. 341 00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:23,063 Yep. I'm good genetic material, you know? 342 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,032 Easy on the eyes. 343 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,266 And she wants to raise the kid alone, 344 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,601 which fits nicely into my lifestyle. 345 00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:31,138 Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex 346 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,439 is not a lifestyle. 347 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:35,875 Look, I didn't come in here to argue with you. 348 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,645 Look in the hedges. Look in the hedges. 349 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,347 What? 350 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,149 I don't know. 351 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,285 So... so what are you... what are you gonna do? 352 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:46,753 You gonna go to a sperm bank? 353 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,990 Well, I tried to talk her into a direct deposit. 354 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,393 You know, straight from the tap. 355 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,629 But she really dug in her heels. 356 00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,665 And not in the good way. 357 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,333 And you're okay with it? 358 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,403 Well, why not? I've sent billions of soldiers out there. 359 00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:06,373 It's time for one of them to finally take the hill. 360 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,409 ( growling ) 361 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,810 Now what? 362 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:13,313 I think she caught the rabbit. 363 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:17,584 Oh. Anyway, this could be my one chance 364 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,687 to guarantee the Charlie gene lives on. 365 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,323 You know, make sure that the double helix that is uniquely me 366 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:26,226 keeps on truckin' into the future. 367 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,728 Okay, okay, let's assume that's a good thing. 368 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:32,432 One more question. Yeah? 369 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,866 If you have no doubts about this, 370 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,368 why did you wake me up to tell me? 371 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,370 Well, you're my brother, 372 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,306 and I thought you should know 373 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:40,407 you're going to be an uncle. 374 00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,009 You mean, I'm going to be an uncle 375 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,643 to a child I'll never see. 376 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,145 Tell you what. 377 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:46,879 When he turns 12, I'll track him down, 378 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,415 bring him to live with you, 379 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,950 and we'll see if you get your phone messages. 380 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:56,523 * Men... 381 00:15:58,658 --> 00:15:59,526 What do you think? 382 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,995 Looks like pretty standard boilerplate. 383 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,431 It basically says that once your swim team's off the bus, 384 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,467 you're no longer the coach. 385 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,736 All right. Let's see. 386 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,438 Where do I sign? 387 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,742 The ol' John Hancock, if you will. 388 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,244 Are you sure you want to? 389 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,546 You're giving up the rights not only to your sperm, 390 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:23,816 but to any children that might result from them-- it. 391 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,618 I understand. Do you? 392 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:30,157 Once you sign, Mia can do whatever she wants with it-- them. 393 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:33,026 She can use it, resell it, 394 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,428 freeze it, put it on eBay... 395 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:39,499 I don't care if she uses it to caulk her bathtub. 396 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,935 Once the boys reach escape velocity, they're on their own. 397 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,871 I see. 398 00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,974 It's out of my hands, so to speak. 399 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,676 I get it. 400 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:54,013 Okay. I'll be back in two shakes. 401 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,051 Three, if it's cold in there. 402 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,674 Charlie, you okay? 403 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,944 ( man yelling angrily in Spanish ) 404 00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,779 Lo siento, señor. 405 00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,385 Charlie? 406 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:06,719 What?! 407 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,955 Well, you've been in there a long time. 408 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,290 How is it going? 409 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,492 How do you think it's going? 410 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,494 Well, I don't know if this will help, 411 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,729 but sometimes, when I was married, 412 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,665 I used to pretend that I was having sex 413 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,633 with a completely different woman. 414 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,535 Oh, thanks. 415 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,971 The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife 416 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,039 should really move things along. 417 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,409 Excuse me. I was just trying to help. 418 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,779 Yeah, well, I was just trying to have sex with a cup. 419 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,247 Don't think of it as a cup. 420 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:38,285 Think of it as a... a polyurethane lap dancer. 421 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,520 ( thump on door ) 422 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,227 Hello. 423 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,796 Charlie, I was just getting packed. 424 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,432 Oh, right, you're heading to San Francisco. 425 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,735 That's got to be a big ballet town. 426 00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:00,540 So, did you go to the sperm bank? 427 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:01,408 Uh-huh. 428 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,242 And? 429 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,344 Not a lot of laughs in that place. 430 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,612 I asked the receptionist 431 00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:08,448 if she ever takes her work home with her. 432 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,317 Nothing. Not even a smile. 433 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,284 Thanks for doing this. 434 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,853 You have no idea what it means to me. 435 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:16,656 Yeah, well, funny thing. 436 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,458 Turns out it means something to me, too. 437 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:19,892 What are you talking about? 438 00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:22,128 I tried, Mia, I really did. 439 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,231 I tried the magazines, the movies. 440 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,799 You can't imagine how bad porn acting is until you 441 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:30,102 actually watch more than three, four minutes at a time. 442 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,606 So you're saying you couldn't? You? 443 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,907 Yeah, I know. 444 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,509 What are the odds, huh? 445 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,378 Well, I guess these things happen. 446 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:40,747 You'll try again, and I'm sure you'll do fine. 447 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,451 I don't think so. 448 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,552 Why not? 449 00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,887 Well, I have some thoughts about the reason 450 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:52,058 things didn't go down as planned, or, actually, up. 451 00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,361 Okay, I'm listening. 452 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:57,530 As I was sitting in that little sperm cubicle, 453 00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:02,935 watching Assmasters 7, The Final Chapter, 454 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:06,239 all I could think about was some kid of mine 455 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:10,410 growing up somewhere, and-and me not having a chance to, 456 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,379 you know, be a part of his life. 457 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,447 I thought you were okay with that. 458 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:18,017 I thought I was, too, but, as it turns out, I'm not. 459 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:21,388 So, if this is something you really want to do, 460 00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:24,291 then you're going to have to find someone else. 461 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,059 I see. 462 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,395 And, by the way, 463 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:31,964 Assmasters 7 is not the final chapter. 464 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,303 They left a lot of loose ends. 465 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:40,072 All right, well, I got to go. 466 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,375 I appreciate the effort. 467 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,510 Yeah, thanks. 468 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:47,480 I think I have a rotator cuff injury. 469 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:50,016 Good seeing you again, Charlie. 470 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,820 Good seeing you, too. 471 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,727 Let me float another idea by you. 472 00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:01,628 What? 473 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,663 It's a little crazy, a little unorthodox, 474 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:06,799 but if you really want a kid, this could be the solution. 475 00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:08,668 Charlie, I am not having sex with you. 476 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:11,704 Who said anything about having sex? 477 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:20,380 I'm asking you to marry me. 478 00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:23,916 There's no Charlie here. 479 00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:26,586 Why you stupid girls keep calling? 480 00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,821 No, listen, I don't take message. 481 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,490 I do dry cleaning. 482 00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:35,395 One more time, there's no Charlie here!